It seems like all my original ideas are now being independently reproduced by other people, so I’ll just start dumping a few others that I’ve heard recently.

• “Placebo” brand pills – scientifically proven effective on many maladies
• Idiot urine test – always comes up positive

“Live Free or Die Hard” on imdb.com

On Saturday SHAZAAM! My fucking skull almost exploded from the pressure. Mucous was filling every crevice in my head, and my skull felt like it was about to give out. The only thing that kept me from wallowing in extreme misery was watching movies, so I began a movie marathon.

Pink Floyd The Wall
Inception
A Beautiful Mind
Zookeeper
Hot Tub Time Machine
Pineapple Express
Limitless
District 9
Die Hard
Star Trek
Watchmen
Kill Bill Vol. 1
Lost in Translation
Tropic Thunder
Red State
My Neighbor Totoro
Constantine
The Breakfast Club
Howl’s Moving Castle

The congestion became worse at night, and when I’d lie down I’d immediately convulse with coughing fits. That meant no sleep for about 4 days, so I watched most of those movies at night instead of sleeping. Not that sleep was even possible. When I got too exhausted to cough, I’d sleep for a couple hours and then spend a half hour trying to clear my lungs.

If I weren’t so fat, I’d have the most amazing abs!

Quick recap of injuries I’m still trying to recover from: mid thoracic sprain, gout, plantar fasciitis, and a strained right quad. The real killer is the sprained back, which I think is the root cause of everything else bad that’s happening to me. It’s preventing me from doing regular exercise because it hurts when I breathe deeply. I’ve been doing physical therapy for the last month, but all they’ve managed to do for me is to make it hurt worse.

Unreal Engine 3 Support for Adobe Flash Player Announced | Epic Games Community.

A friend of mine is currently battling a bird mite infestation. It’s a horrifying experience. The medical establishment is not well equipped to deal with such an infestation, and many doctors don’t even imagine that bird mites can live off of a human or a pet.

They can!

The CDC is investigating strains of drug-resistant bird mites growing in California. It’s truly frightening. Bird mites are tiny (up to 0.5mm) and translucent, making them almost impossible to see without magnification. They’re most active at night, burrowing into skin and invading the nose, mouth, sinuses, and even the urethra.

So don’t let birds nest anywhere near your house. When disposing of abandoned bird nests, wear gloves and long sleeves. A dusting of borax wouldn’t hurt either.

If you do find yourself host to bird mites, you’re in for a fight. They’re hard to kill, they infest everything around you, and they go nuts on you at night, making sleep difficult. You’ll have to clean everything every day, fumigate your house, treat your pets, shower twice per day, change your diet, and invest in a variety of exotic cleaning supplies just to manage the infestation.

There is no cure.

Don’t you feel itchy?

Once down there, I guess we had whatever ceremony and were coming back out. I was first. On the way out we saw a giant blue cushion in the passageway. It filled the hall all the way across and all the way down, and I knew that it contained the bodies of all the lemurs I’d seen up above. It was the king’s way of handling the problem of disposing of the dead bodies. We were not impressed. The thing looked like it was made of Cookie Monster fur.

Anyway, we walked over it and around the corner to leave, but all we saw at the end was a cement wall. THE KING HAD SEALED THE PASSAGE AND TRAPPED US ALL! I realized that this was also the way he was going to deal with our whole group. I became depressed, but then I noticed that the cement was still fresh, and part of it was flaking off, so I dug into it with my fingers and was able to get through to someone digging in from outside! I cleared an opening and saw a guy looking in at me. He told me that the king was planning some kind of selective breeding program, and he had to get rid of a lot of male competition.

I went back to the ceremony chamber, when someone yelled and the king ran past! He had a secret way into our chamber! We chased him, but then I realized that his bodyguard was following him, so I tackled his bodyguard. As I was struggling to remember what to do in a fight, that’s when I woke up.